I’m not dead I just had another kid….and he’s giving me the bird.

Well same to you buddy!

It’s been one long insane minute since my last post on here.  I had another baby about 4 months ago (a second boy – Wesley) and my life proceeded to the dark side from there.  It’s been a blur of diapers, bottles, suicidal thoughts and visions of a life that once was. I’m just now beginning to emerge from the fog…barely.  My first kid, Owen was an incredibly easy baby.  I remember hearing or reading stories of moms complaining about how hard it is the first 3 months and then thinking to myself – I don’t get it.   Owen only cried for a reason and slept like a rockstar. There were a few bad days/nights but nothing compared to this last 3 months. Now I get it….this is what it’s REALLY like to have a newborn baby.  This little dictator I birthed cries because he likes to and will basically not leave me the F alone. He’s obsessed with me. The moment my eyes leave contact with his, he cries instantly and I can’t get him on a schedule to save my life.  He’s the complete opposite from his brother physically and emotionally. Lighter features, blue eyes (possible ginger…what?!) – cute as a button but don’t be fooled, he’s a terrorist disguised in a tiny little baby suit. I won’t get into specifics but let’s just say I went back on birth control faster than the GOP tries to shut down Planned Parenthood.  The baby factory is closed for business.  I never want to experience this again. I’m seriously THIS close to ripping out my own uterus to make sure I absolutely NEVER get preggo again. All this compounded by the fact that we had to move 3 weeks after giving birth….um from Brooklyn to New Jersey!  That first month after birth, I was lost in a haze of packing, feeding, diapering, pumping and generally losing my mother effing mind. It should be adopted as a form of torture.  Oh, you did a bad thing? Here – birth a devil child, pack your ass up and 3 others to move to a different state, take care of two kids in diapers (one devil child and one in his terrible two’s), pump your tittays 8 times a day all while your torn coo-ca protests it’s demise and heals ever-so-slowly.  I honestly feel like I survived a war; and through it, have realized that I’m really not cut out for this the way I thought I was.  Turns out I like being left alone.  Those with 3’s and 4’s – I ask you…. how?? Why??  You people deserve a medal or something…or a life time prescription of Xanax.  I don’t recommend any of this to anyone.  But I made it this long.  They all say 3 months….3 months is when it gets better but my kid hasn’t caught on to this notion.  We’re quickly approaching month 4 with Wes and he’s still a gassy, twitchy, unbearably needy mess. We’ve had some relief here and there but devil child seems to be the default setting with him.  Props to my hubz for sticking this all out with me. Did I mention, he got an insane promotion and transitioned to a new position a month after Wes came…shortly after we moved…. with a shit ton more responsibility and still held it all together??  I’m not sure we’ve muttered a full coherent sentence to one another this entire time but we also didn’t kill each other…..so that’s something right?  I know I know, I keep asking myself too – why do people do this to themselves? Why do we  keep having kids?? To be honest, I was tricked into having a second child because my first was such a breeze.  And this is what I get….payback.  I guess when I’m old and cranky and have no friends left my kids will be forced to hang out with me at least right?

 I do love those little critters though…honestly, I do.  Right before I want to throw myself out my third story window, they smile or say something absurdly adorable and totally redeem themselves.  You might be thinking – oh poor poor you – you have two healthy kids, one of which just wants to be cuddled, coddled and adored constantly….or he will wretchedly screech and wail evil horrid sounds from his body.  Well, to you, I say – I pushed that little life sucker out of me myself so I’ve earned the right to bitch.

Yea so I’ve been a mess, I’ve barely taken any pictures.  I never did newborn pics of Wes….3 months went by and still never got around to it until finally last weekend.  It was do or die.
So here’s my little nug in all his glory. I was going for some kind of jungle theme I guess. This would have been much easier had he actually been a newborn.  Newborns are basically little gumbies.  Wherever you place them, however you bend their limbs, they just stay there and they let you dress them in completely ridiculous outfits with zero protest, because they were born yesterday. Wes was squirming, crying and not having any of the poses I originally wanted. These pics just look kind of ridiculous too because he’s basically a teenager but this is my life now.  Late to everything now because I have kids.  Now I’m off to make a vision board of things I want to come true.  Beach laziness, adult cocktails with no kids in sight, 3 hrs of uninterrupted sleep and peeing alone.
                                             Wesley Ryan McEvoy – Born June 1st, 2015
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